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That’s a whole lot of sodium, @tonyshorton!

That’s a whole lot of sodium, @tonyshorton!

My Mother Recaps the Bears Games, Week Six

(Hey! We’re doing this thing again with my mom and football, sort of. You can find previous weeks here: One, Two, Three, Four, Five.)

Bears Win, 27-13

I’m still crabby. Because I’m stuck in my room all day. [The construction’s going to last] probably until Thanksgiving. So today we’re going to stay [redacted] because we don’t have a toilet or anything. So I’m crabby.

I don’t want to talk at all!

From now on, if we can’t do it right after or the day after, I’m not going to do it. Because it’s too far gone. [My notes], I can’t make heads or tails of. It says, “Will there be a Falcon commercial?” But there wasn’t. I like the Falcon commercial, but they didn’t have one.

Then it says “It was a great day for a marathon.” It was a beautiful day for the Chicago marathon, which me and dad watched. We were out from 7 in the morning until 1 p.m., cheering on the marathoners. We walked like five miles, we were both hoarse.

Not HorseFaced. Hoarse. Our voices were hoarse. It was a fun day in the city. You would’ve liked it because all of the streets were closed, so you could’ve rented a bike and biked all around the city.

Well, we didn’t stop the marathoners in their course and asked if they cared about the game. There were a lot of Packers fans running, a lot of Michigan fans, a lot of Michigan State fans running. Anyway, a lot of fun.

The Packers won in the last three seconds of their game. Aaron Rodgers, my boyfriend, threw a pass that was perfect. Am I glad? Yeah. Yeah, I’m a Bears fan. I like Aaron Rodgers.

So, for the Chicago game, Chicago and Atlanta were both 2-3. Cutler looked tired, he had bags under his eyes. Devin Hester was there. He was playing for Atlanta. He didn’t look that great. Matt Ryan is the quarterback for the Falcons. He’s got two first names. Matt Ryan.

What do you keep asking me, “What do you think about that?” What do you think about that? It’s just observations, and then you can form your own opinion based on my observations.

So, what do you think about this? You think the Bears should change their helmet to have a bear on it? Like, the Falcons have a falcon? You like the letter. But then — [to my father, in the car with her] oh, that lady has my dress — Trestman, he has a little cap that has a B on it. Some teams have letters, some have pictures. I think they should all go along the same track.

Anyway, I like their pink shoes and gloves. That’s very nice, that’s for breast cancer. Cutler was sacked in the first quarter. He took too much time, he had happy feet. Then in the second quarter it was [large portion redacted].

Wait, don’t put that in. Don’t put that in or I quit. I don’t know what the score was, but don’t put that in. I’m crabby. I told you I’m crabby.

So, there was a field goal by Gould. And then Cutler had a good pass to Marshall, 47 yard pass. But then wasn’t that where they said the touchdown didn’t count, so they had another pass to Josh Morgan? And then everybody’s like, who’s Josh Morgan? Yeah, even the newscasters were like, “he had a touchdown pass to Josh Morgan,” and everybody was like “who’s Josh Morgan?”

Maybe it was me and dad, just the two of us. Everybody at our house.

It’s too long after the game, I can’t remember everything. I told you that.

Oh, I wanted to tell you about the marathon, too. There was this dribbler. We saw him on the one mile, and then the 25th mile. And he had two balls and he was dribbling them the whole time. It was amazing, huh. Running and dribbling. And there was a juggler too. There was a barefoot runner, and then oh in the beginning we were standing right in the median and there was a girl watching near us who was an ex-marathon runner, and she told us this is the closest you will be to an elite runner. So first we saw all the wheelchairs, and that was amazing and I was crying. Then we saw all the Kenyans. It was really cool. So you can edit that and put it back in the part about the marathon.

So at the end of the second quarter, I believe the score was 10-3. I was getting nervous because I wanted them to have a lot more points before the third quarter, you know? Because that’s not their good quarter. Okay, let me see what else I can make heads or tails of.

Oh, I did like some of the commercials where they had the football players in, but I can’t remember which one. Well, you know Larry Fitzgerald? It was a commercial for Visa check card, and he could catch passes and check something else out of the store at the same time. Shop while you catch. I like that one.

Well the defense was good in the third quarter. Tim Jennings had a good block. Marshall had a good catch. Then they had those stupid robots again, because it was on Fox. Cutler had to run the ball again, and then he hit the referee with the ball. Did you see that? He threw a pass and then he hit the referee. That was funny. I guess this is the second quarter. Then at halftime they had stupid robots. And then one of the announcers, his name is David Biehl, I don’t like the way he tied his tie. What does he have, a half-Windsor or something? And it looks dumb. It looks like a slipknot or something. And I was disappointed because they said that halftime was coming up, and all of us were going to talk, like Howie and those guys, and then they didn’t talk. So I was disappointed.

And that one guy, the bald guy, Terry Bradshaw? He was on Queen Latifah’s show today. He’s funny, he’s funny. He’s been married four times. Yeah. He’s funny.

Then you got third quarter, Forte got a touchdown. Robbie Gould was blocked. Then at the end of the third quarter Cutler had a nice pass to my guy Bennett. So Cutler was looking good. Then I guess they said this was Good Jay Cutler that showed up this week. And he had 377 yards in the air. Yeah, that’s the second most in his career. And there was a nice pass and nice catch where Jeffrey caught it, but they said he was out of bounds. But then they had a nice little hand-off to Forte. Then they had a two-point conversion, because they were scared of going for the extra point because Gould had been blocked. 

They won the game, 27-13. Everybody was impressed — well, I heard Trestman talking and Cutler talking — and they said that they were impressed by how many Bears fans that were there. And the Bears fans were so loud, they thought that Matt Ryan couldn’t call his plays so that they could hear them. 

You know what, I got to tell you one thing. I’m not crazy about Trestman. Cause he’s got the flattest affect of anyone I know.

No, not flattest ass! No! Affect. You used to say Lovie Smith showed no emotion? He showed more emotion than Trestman. Trestman doesn’t cover his mouth either.

So anyway, that’s all I have to say. I don’t know who they’re playing [next week], and I don’t know what time or anything. I’d imagine they’d be back in Chicago.

[to Dad] Do you know who they’re playing? [back to the phone] Sunday, dad said. [to Dad] Who are they playing? [Dad: “12:00”] Who, I said, not what time. Who. I asked Dad who are they playing. “12:00.”

Bears Record: 3-3

Frat hazing is stupid and ridiculous, and maybe don’t join a frat in the first place. But this one is kind of hilarious.

Frat hazing is stupid and ridiculous, and maybe don’t join a frat in the first place. But this one is kind of hilarious.

My Mother Recaps the Bears Games, Week Five

(Hey! We’re doing this thing again with my mom and football, sort of. You can find previous weeks here: One, Two, Three, Four.)

Bears Lose, 31-24.

[Note: Before my mom called to deliver her recap, I sent a text that erroneously said “I just card you,” the fault of an overzealous auto-correct function that, apparently, isn’t used to the word “called.” That should be enough background.]

Oh, you silly boy. You just texted me, “I just card you.” Ha. You carded me? You said, “I card you.” That’s funny.

Uh-oh. Cutler’s on TV. I got to hear what he’s saying. Hold on, I had it on mute and I need to rewind it. Might be interesting.

Okay, let’s see what he says. “Turnover-and-over-and-over.” That’s what they said. “Turnover-and-over-and-over.” “He is what he is and he’s not going to change.” Now it’s Mundy. I like Ryan Mundy. It’s a Mundy Monday. Yeah, he’s disappointed in himself, Cutler. Well, he should be. Although, he played well, but then he screwed up. Hold on. [watching TV] They had a good talk today. He likes playing with these guys, but who knows! He might not get to play with them much longer. Cutler says he likes playing with those guys, but I think he might be not playing with them that much longer. How long is his contract for?

Few years? Oh.

Well, anyway, let me see. First quarter, Marshall — you know Marshall? — yeah, he couldn’t catch the ball, so interception. Then that number 13 on North Carolina, Calvin Benjamin, he had a KIA helmet. Yeah. You know, like a KIA pet?

Yeah, that’s it! He had a Chia helmet. Not a KIA helmet. Not a KIA, a chia. Yeah, he had grass all over it. He was tackled toughly. I think that maybe he could have got a concussion. I don’t know. Cam Newton, he’s a cute quarterback.

Yeah, I think he’s cute. Don’t you?

He’s cute. He’s got a cute smile. But, he had a fumble, he had a turnover, but he ended up winning the game didn’t he? Cutler had a touchdown in the first quarter, first quarter he looked really good.

I think Cam Newton is cuter. Who do you think is cuter?

No, Cutler’s not that cute. He’s got cute eyes though. Second quarter, let me see, oh, Forte did some really good running, got a lot of yards for him. Jeffrey had a touchdown. Uh, I can’t read what I said. Cam Newton had something, oh, he had a good block for Greg Olsen, did you see that?

Cam Newton, the quarterback, he blocked so Greg Olsen could get a touchdown. And guess what? My Bears shirt that is not a lucky shirt? Guess what it says on it. Olsen.

Well, cause it was marked down a couple years back! [laughs] I didn’t get it this year, I’ve had it a few years. So, they were talking about his little son, and how he had heart surgery and all that, so.

And Robbie Gould, he was not gold. He’s the second most accurate kicker, and he missed a field goal. So, then going into the third quarter, it was 21-14. So, it was time for my Football Nap. No more Football Naps, because when I woke up the score was really different.

Usually at halftime, and I usually wake up for the third quarter. But I missed the third quarter. I couldn’t stay awake, and here I missed the third quarter, and when I got up the score was a little different. I don’t have it written down, but. Oh, I think it was a tied game. Bad passing, loose balls. And then…

You know, I used to always say the Bears were a third quarter team, remember? Not anymore! The last two weeks have shown that they’re not a second half team. So, I think in the next game, they got to go in there and say, “If we’re not going to play in the last half of the game, we have to score a lot of points in the first half.”

So then after the game, we went for a walk, and then I told Sylvia, my doorperson, yeah, I’m like we’re going to go, we have to get out of here. Rick’s like, did you watch the Bears, and she’s like, “Oh yeah.” And we’re like, we got to get out of here, we got to go shake it off. She’s like, “Yeah, they ought to get rid of that Trestman. You know, they need somebody like Ditka.” She said, “If I was their coach, I would be in their face and say ‘what are you doing?’ just like Ditka would hold ‘em by the collar and scream at them.” She’s like, “That’s what I’d do. Not just like standing by the sidelines.”

I would probably not hold their shirt collar. But I would probably have to get on their case a little more than that Trestman. I don’t know what to tell you.

So then we put it in the bubble, we went to the lake, walked along the lake.

Yeah, put it in the bubble and let it float away.

And then when I got back in, I said, well Sylvia, did you get rid of that, did you put it in the bubble? And she said, “Yeah.” And then we started talking again about it, and we were both upset, and dad said, “I thought you guys put it in the bubble!” We’re like, well, no. The bubble burst.

Yeah, it came back. Right. Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh. I didn’t hold onto it, it just came back. I’m really disappointed. They were so far ahead, and looked so good. But you can’t blame it on Cutler, and you can’t blame it on Robbie Gould, because it’s a team sport. You can’t blame it on Cutler’s protection, because I thought he had very good protection. What do you call those guys, the protectors?

The offensive line, yeah, from now on we’ll call them The Protectors. They did their job. Um. But. Yeah, it’s a loss… I guess maybe you could blame Cutler! [laughs] Because when I look back on it, it seems like most of the other players did their jobs, right? They caught the passes that were thrown to a person in a Bears jersey instead of a North Carolina jersey. Yeah, maybe it’s all him.

What did you think?

I don’t know. I’m almost tempted not to watch them! I don’t know what’s going on next Sunday. Because, you know, next Sunday is the Chicago marathon, so a lot of streets will be closed, so I imagine it will be an away game. So, let’s just hope for the best, that’s all you can do.

There were a few of those stupid robots, which I don’t like. The announcers were okay. Yeah, I have no announcing talk.

No commercial talk. What, do I have to have that every week?

Bears Record: 2-3

This thing is called ‘Astronomers on boat,’ and it’s great.

This thing is called ‘Astronomers on boat,’ and it’s great.