2008

Just put some ice on it. You’ll be fine.

Just for fun.

The first Google page from 1998, via the Wayback Machine.

From the end of Carlin’s first HBO special back in...

Calling all technically proficient...

My new flat-screen TV has more inputs than the Bunny Ranch!

How shit gets made.

As does anyone with taste, I hate-hated Rob Zombie’s Halloween, but if this news is right...

Red Plastic Cup Parties, Observed

Osama bin Cookie Monster? (via copyranter)

A necessary evil

Also, before I forget, go here and build your own best man speech!

Missed opportunity

This guy in front of me in line at Ralph’s asked the woman in front of him if he could borrow...

If this poster’s any indication, this movie might be...

Homecoming

There is no better feeling than going home and seeing fellow high school classmates who have gotten...

Home for the week, so posting will be light for those who...

An observation.

There’s no worse feeling than sitting your bare ass down on a still-warm toilet seat.

I still blame George Lucas.

I just read Frank Darabont’s original script for “Indiana Jones and the Temple of the...

A question of grammar

What do you call it when a new website goes up on the Internet? Was it “released”? Did...

Looking at all sides of the story

What this report fails to take into consideration are the inevitable hits to the lubrication market...

My own personal addition to the fantastic 50 Reporter O Face...

Dana Carvey has pretty much completely morphed into his...

“I have to thank Burger King. It was such a disgusting burger...”
— Robert Downey Jr., when asked...

Is it too late to change back to Hillary?

Open slot.

alexbalk: So now that Hillary’s out, what major female public figure is it acceptable for liberal...

What the fuck, California?

Why the fuck do we have to vote on something every other goddamn month? And now, today, a...

marklisanti: Garfield Minus Garfield, Plus Grim Reaper: an...

Emo rules!

Well, they certainly nailed it.

From Pitchfork’s 4.7 review of the latest Weezer album: Sadly, the once burned-out Weezer...

Bush is stupid.

That’s basically the whole joke in my piece for ESPN the Magazine, regarding sports-related...

Is "Lost" racist?

From this interview with Harold Perrineau, who plays/played Michael on the show, and is not happy...

Listen

A question of decorum

Hypothetically speaking, say I contacted someone on Craig’s List about getting two tickets for...

Remote tribe found in Brazil, and they evidently don’t...

In honor of tonight's season finale

Here’s the ideal baseball lineup of “Lost” characters.

You’d think the photographer could’ve gotten an...

An enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in...

So this afternoon I was in the office toilet stall, simultaneously dropping a deuce and trying to...

My favorite thing of the day.

Because if I’m not getting boners, no one else is...

Thanks, Smoking Gun!

Now I’ll never get a boner again.

Reason #2,992 Why I Hate The Internet

It allows me to easily see how hacky my jokes are. Case in point: Today when I thought I was clever...

It's worth the sunshine

Only 362 people dead from the Big One? That’s not bad at all.

My review

“Indiana Jones and the Temple of Disappointment”

Beats fake websites.

Anyone else think these alleged “smiley face killers” are really just part of a viral...

An impossible request

Anyone know where I could get a copy of the script for the third part of Lars von Trier’s The...

Complaint #215

Hey, look! An official white whine by myself. My next white whine: Spelling my last name...

The LQ Index

marklisanti: 94: The precise number of Fahrenheit degrees which, when exceeded, turns everyone in...

Should be now after getting the Edwards endorsement. Also:...

That's about right.

From Salon’s interview with Matt Taibbi: Don’t you see any danger in equating...

Meta

Heckles directed at me in the comments of today’s Heckler’s Prospectus: “wow,...

California just got more fabulous!

Gays can marry! Go gays!

Plus, I'm racist.

I don’t care about basketball anymore. I did once, back during the Jordan Years when the...

Yes! I can’t tell you how happy I am to officially...

Alternate title: "No Glove, No Love"

I have to say, this thing I have today over at ESPN the Mag is one of my better fantasy...

Don’t know when this news was officially released, but...

What I Bought Today.

Lars von Trier’s The Kingdom, Series 2. All you need to know is that, in the last shot of the...

What the fuck, Google News?

No one has really been quite as perfect for black and white...

An intense still from the video for Portishead’s...

Guess I better start carrying a steak...

You know, since I’ve needed the Heimlich Manuever four times so far …

Stop it, CNN. “Ginormous” is not a word!

Pretty fun thing to play with over at CNN.com. Even if...

Those preparing for my birthday - and honestly, everyone...

This story's fake, right?

Florida Teacher Canned for Practicing “Wizardry”

Also not helping: the phrase starts with...

This is why sexual harassment will never be taken seriously; all of the stories are just so...

Freakonomics

Are suicides by carbon monoxide poisoning down now that gas prices are so high?

Would that make A.J. Pierzynski Colonel...

White Sox try to bust slump with massive blow-up doll orgy: I would like to fully describe to you...

So many things wrong with this: (1) AOL still existing; (2)...

Winner!

I knew it!

Those fucking hippies with the Che T-shirts are all full of shit! I’m kind of curious about...

Iron Man, summarized

From Jeff Wells: Bottom line: decent movie, great lead performance, and a realization on your way...

Why Ozzie Guillen Rules

“Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups — ‘Call up this guy, call up that...

If this was the regular penalty for coming in 2nd place, I...

This photo found its way into my inbox today. It has...

My humor does not work on certain...

Female coworker: Last night, I played the first game for this kickball league I’m in. It was...

4 Days

The over/under for how long until a “Crazy Gyno Stories” sprouts up somewhere after...

Is this irony?

I’m giving up my addiction to hookers in order to save up enough money for Grand Theft Auto...

Go forth, and spread thy word!

jdel: alexbalk: Can we all agree to spell it ‘vag’ from here on out? I understand the argument that...

Bonus: There’s no way to convey the joy I get from YouTube selecting the below screenshot as...

He seemed so normal. Well, outside of...

Clinical psychologist Dr. Kristina Downing-Orr told CNN: “What is chilling about this case is...

Heckler of the Year!

Sorry about so many HP-related posts today, but here was a comment I had to pass along, if only for...

Promoting my (correct) view to the...

Also from today’s Heckler’s Prospectus: Papelbon, Jonathan - Seeing that Papelbon got...

Adding insult to injury

Is it really necessary to continually call this guy “morbidly obese”?...

Finding God in the most unlikely of...

My first negative comment over at the Heckler’s Prospectus, for today’s Red Sox...

Rethinking HBO's John Adams

They should have called the show “There Will Be Disgusting Old-Timey Medical...

Google News update: This is the current default image for...

Apparently, this is the go-to image to convey male...

Events That Women Were Surprisingly Not...

- Developing computer code to warn them immediately when my MySpace status changes from “In A...

The heartbreak of Carl Crawford

Hey, look! More stuff over at ESPN!

Some decisions are forever.

If I had to do it all again, my Internet handle for message board and IM activity would be...

Masturbation: The new glass of wine

Masturbating five times a week reduces your chance of getting prostate cancer!

Prejudice.

I don’t care how many awards you’ve won, how many degrees you have, how great of a...

How I celebrated Earth Day

By jerking off into a sock instead of a paper towel.

Worth a wider audience

From today’s Heckler’s Prospectus entry on the Texas Rangers: Saltalamacchia, Jarrod -...

Sorry, Tina Fey. I enjoyed your time at SNL, and find 30...

Just signed up for Facebook today am already taking...

“Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, a movie that looked both silly and annoying in the...

How did I miss this one?

Recently, I’ve been exposed to Neutral Milk Hotel’s 1998 album “In the Aeroplane...

As opposed to one he commissioned.

After Lee surrendered to Henrico Police, investigators discovered the Sears manager had created a...

alexbalk:

Mexican music is really, really...

Booo Ba-Do-Da Booo Ba-Do-Da Booo Ba-Do-Da Booo Ba-Do-Da Booo Ba-Do-Da Booo Ba-Do-Da Booo...

See, guys? All that paranoia was justified! They are...

Awesome.

CNN needs some new headline writers, seeing as they’re...

Mothers, lock up your daughters

A few friends and I were at a bar this weekend, for the seemingly sole reason of them feeding me...

The scariest image I’ve seen in a long while, from...

A-Rod was never one for "words"

Alex Rodriguez increased his career RBI total to 1,510, moving him one ahead of Mickey Mantle and...

Recipe: You're Going To Die Alone...

Step 1: Get a meatloaf recipe.Step 2: Follow the meatloaf recipe, leaving out the salt, since your...

I have a strong belief that the crazy guy who lives next door to me has devoted his entire life to...

Legitimacy is in site!

Well, quasi-legitimacy at best. There’s not much prestige in writing satirical fantasy sports...

Some people just aren't worth the...

Before the Purge: 172 contacts. After the Purge: 151 contacts.

I've just had the biggest scare in my...

Through a combination of stupidity, doing too many things at once, and general incompetance, I just...

I'm giving this idea away for free,...

A Pro-Obama parody of Toto’s “Rosanna”. It writes itself, really.

I'm not sure why some things are funny,...

From the old SNL sketch “An Insane Idiot And His Collection Of Descending-Size Deer...

The one thing holding back complete...

This story brings up a good question: Why the fuck are the Russians still referred to as...

While we're on the subject...

alexbalk: Perhaps my proudest moment writing Gawker happened when the muse of creativity graced me...

I’ll have what she’s having, assuming that what...

This is just the muddled-up statistic that the underground, and extremely lazy, ”Say No to...

The new "You Might Be A Redneck"

When you name your religious sect the “Yearning for Zion Ranch”, you might be trying to...

Bee careful, boys and girls

This past weekend while I was sitting at my computer, I heard a commotion outside my window. I went...

Sperm Fight!

What the story isn’t saying is that she’s going to have to extract the sperm out the old...

Heads up, Zsa Zsa

Along with a few other members of the Big News crew, I’m participating in a Dead Pool for the...

Really, when you break it down, the title of this brilliant McSweeney’s list is redundant.

Those Bible-writers were slick...

From Leviticus 20:18 “And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall...

My counterattack

My sister: “How does ‘Uncle Rick’ sound to you?” Me: “Is this your...

I hate the Internet today.

I’ve already been subjected to about a dozen “shocking news items” that are...

In the year 2008

Modern Mechanix has a reprint of an old article from 1968, predicting how humans would live 40 years...

IMDB’s keywords sure don’t pussyfoot around, do...</